The End is Nigh...I Hope

“In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.” -Psalm 138:3

Could there be anything more terrible than the fear of failing? Answer: Yes--allowing that fear to stop you from trying.

Writing is what I am meant to do. Sometimes this fact is very clear and true. That's when much of my greatest writing has just been laid out on the page, glistening and perfect (well, yes, not perfect, but the nearest thing). Other times, not so much. My problem right now is that not-so- much. It has come after me so many times, and has tried to beat me.

Obviously, it's never won, even with a few close calls. Right now, however, with only the last few chapters looking me in the face (as I try shamelessly to look the other way), I can feel ambivalence creeping in. Indecision. In other words, I'm doubting myself.

Many of the Great Books in the world have glorious battle scenes at the climatic ending.

For books with such large scales, such as Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy, or Rowling's Harry Potter series (remember The Battle of Hogwarts?), some sort of grand battle, a final fight between the ultimate good and evil, is inevitable. Sometimes the battle is a literal battle, with physical fighting, and sometimes it's more personal, such as Meg's final battle with IT in Madeline L'engle's A Wrinkle in Time. Sometimes, if we're really, really lucky, there's a mixture of both. If these breathtaking battles don't deliver, then a reader is betrayed, let down, and ultimately has a dead grenade in her hands, instead of the satisfying, ear-splitting explosion that she had been anticipating for the past 500 pages.

-And you know what we swashbuckling book characters do with those dead grenades-

They're useless. Don't let your writing be a dead grenade. That's what I keep telling myself, and that's why I'm so afraid of forging on.

What I'm writing now is supposed to be The Battle of Battles, the kind that is exciting, and breathtaking, whether you care about fighting, or would normally skim over that bit. It's supposed to matter to everyone who reads it. It's supposed to be the final act until the necessary afterthoughts, and loopholes closed. It's supposed to be grand; the sort of thing you want to read over and over again, because it's so interesting, and cleverly built, and perfectly (by writing standards), executed.

It's strange, but I really am frightened of this particular writing challenge.

I've done this sort of scene before, in past drafts of this very book, and when I've looked back, it's all rubbish, poppycock, etc. etc. etc. and so forth.

So why should this time be any different?

Well, you've grown and changed at least a little since the last time, haven't you?

How would you know?

Because, you silly git, I live in the world you've created, in case you've forgotten, and it's only gotten bigger and brighter with every word you write. Except for those useless paragraphs, which we love to destroy.

Thank you.

Anytime.

So when it comes to writing something that you're afraid to write (as I am right now), the absolutely worst thing you can do is not do it.

Don't skip around the thing you fear the most in your novel. Attack them! Slay them! Meet them with a chin high, head on! Earn your well-deserved war wounds, and emerge as a wiser writer.

We can turn to other writers for some advice:

As James Scott Bell once said, which really fits here nicely is, "Finish your novel, because you learn more that way than any."

As is true with the artists who don't want to touch their empty canvases, if you have something--ANYTHING--written down, you have something to work with. That's key. Go ahead an just write, just a little bit every day, and don't worry if it doesn't look exactly as you pictures it would.

As Jodi Picoult once said, "You might not write well every day, but you can always edit a bad page. You can't edit a blank page."

It can be terrifying to paint a picture using colors your not certain about, or write words you don't feel completely comfortable with. Often, though, if you dare to step into the unknown, you find yourself with an unexpected masterpiece.

As Richard Bach once said, "A professional writer is an amateur who doesn't quit."

Here's a rule to hold on to: Never quit. Don't let your own fear of yourself stop you from writing. Franz Kafka once said that, "A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity." I honestly can understand this. When I haven't been writing, and the days roll into weeks, it really begins to wear on me, like an extra weight that grows heavier with time. I turn into a bit of a non-writing writer dragon. What makes it worse is that when I haven't been writing, often, I don't know what to read. So then I become a non-writing non-reading-writing reader double-dragon, and I would not cross me if I were you.

Some people sketch out timelines. I've been thinking about trying this, to get everything straight. Perhaps I will, but really, the most important thing to remember is probably this: when you feel the least like writing, write. Writers don't sit around waiting for the perfect moment to write the perfect words. That doesn't actually work, really, I've tried it.

So, this morning, instead of sleeping in, I found myself dragging the laptop from the floor, and onto my lap. It opens. It awakens.

I type.

Two pages! I wrote two pages of the sequence I've been apprehensive about the most. I couldn't even tell you what happened on those two pages, or if they were any good. That will come when I get home tonight, and carefully, meticulously edit. Or write more. Then tomorrow morning comes, and I write a bit more. Then give is time, and then a bit more editing, and then more writing.

Before I notice, before I even take a moment to think: I CAN'T DO THIS! I've done it, and I have conquered the unconquerable. There's something to that. It proves that anything is possible.

That's a whole lot of possible.

An entire novel's worth, actually. And a sequel to boot.

More entries for the Wall of Writers coming up soon!

Write on!